“I know you are scared to stop. I’m scared too.”
Mel Robbins on The Mel Robbins Podcast
I was standing in my kitchen when Mel Robbins said this on her podcast late last year.
I immediately burst out into tears. And then I knew what I had to do.
And so I used this quote in the last Substack I wrote to you, in December, explaining that I had made the tough decision to pause the Hotflash inc newsletter and podcast.
I heard from many of you about that decision. Who said it gave you strength. I’m glad. It gave me strength, too. To choose myself like that.
In truth, I had no other choice. After 3.5 years of a job and a side hustle, of going through menopause and losing a job, of ending relationships romantic and platonic, of so much change, so many other things I can’t even get into, of trying to unravel a lifetime habit of over-functioning to earn my place in this world and the favour of my own self, of being just so overwhelmed and fragmented and disorganized, I just could not keep going with Hotflash inc without taking some time to look at the bigger picture.
And as Mel said on that same episode of her podcast, sometimes we need to assess where we are and what we are doing, because we need that to have a clear vision of where we want to go.
So that’s what I did. And my plan was to come back after a few weeks of planning and organization.
And then, in February, I had my own personal black swan event.
My healthy 80-year-old father Larry died, suddenly.
And everything I thought about anything turned upside down.
I went viral in February; more than two million views on TikTok for a video about anticholinergic drugs in which I mispronounced the word anticholinergic. In my last conversation with my dad, he asked me how I was going to capitalize on that momentum. I listed the many things I wanted to do, and I knew by the silence on the other end that he just wished I would focus on one.
He was a businessman, and liked to call me Ichabod Crane, who apparently was famous for driving off on his horse in all directions. I was never able to share with my dad that I’m embarking on the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis, mostly just so I can understand myself but also, perhaps, so I can explain myself to my family. Anyway.
After going through menopause, making some changes, I felt like things in my life were on the upswing of that ‘U’ everyone talks about, from that study an economist did concluding 47.2 is the unhappiest age to be and it gets better from there. (Psychologists beg to differ, of course.). As I told a friend on the phone a few weeks after my dad died: “I just kind of thought I would have four minutes to enjoy it.”
She laughed. She is a neuroscientist. Young. But very wise. Her answer:
“Are you new here?”
There have been times in the last four months that I thought I would not be able to go off in even one direction, much less make something to eat or get myself out from under my weighted blanket and upright and in my car on the way to work.
Reviving this newsletter, and the podcast of the same name, seemed impossible.
But a few things happened that made me feel that I not only could, but that I should.
I was interviewed for an article in Entrepreneur Middle East, and the writer was so lovely and thorough and did such a good job, I had my faith restored in my craft.
I was contacted by Midi Health to sponsor the podcast. I wouldn’t partner with just anyone in this space. It just helps that they are a leader, and that they take a holistic view of this transition – kind of like we do here. If you are in the US, see JoinMidi.com for what I’m talking about.
I had a couple of amazing people contact me to see if they could come on the podcast. I had tried to get them on before. This blew me away. You are going to love them.
I kept watching the menopause space – and it’s clear it needs moderate voices more than ever.
I’ve had more than one sign from my Dad that I should keep going. He would hate me telling you that. But it’s true.
It’s easy to find someone to tell you that every woman needs to be on hormone therapy, that it answered all their problems and will answer yours too, and if you are not on it after menopause, the risks outweigh the benefits. It’s easy to find someone who will tell you that hormone therapy is not only unnecessary - but bad for you.
You won’t find any of those narratives or that judgement here.
Here we look at the big, complex, infuriating picture; incorporating scientific evidence, knowing we don’t have nearly enough of it, and adding human experience and expert opinion and whatever else helps tell our whole story.
We ask questions. Provide lots of context. And bring as little confirmation bias as possible.
We constantly remind ourselves that when it comes to menopause, we don’t know what we don’t know.
And that is a lot.
Whether you are a free or paying subscriber, thank you for being here and for hanging in with me.
If you are a paying subscriber, I’ll be in touch about your membership. (I paused payments, but a few of them squeaked through.)
And! If you are on the free list, take advantage. I’ve opened up the full archive of newsletters for all of July and won’t be charging anyone for anything.
`What’s on deck for this week:
• The first podcast of the new season, dropping Thursday, July 4.
• The weekend newsletter rounding up research, giving tips and tricks, news and more dropping Saturday, July 5.
• No one wants pianos anymore. A personal essay + audio about grief and loss will hit your inboxes on Monday, July 10 – two days before it hits the podcast world.
AMx
PS: If you like this newsletter or the podcast, please share it with any other reasonable, curious, truth-seeking, going through it peri:menopausal women and anyone who cares about them, so we can spread the word.
Welcome back! While you shouldn't do things just for the benefit of others if they hurt you, I for one, am happy you're in this space. I credit everything I've learned about menopause to your podcast and the experts you've had on. I also made the decision to start a venture to develop cannabis based products for the symptoms of menopause, which I would not have done if I hadn't heard the founders of Revelry and gone on a deep dive of my own on the subject. Then add to that, all the people I now bang on to about menopause because it seems like the most natural thing in the world to talk about. I'm deeply sorry for your loss - both your parents sound amazing, even if your dad would hate you saying it, I know that you can still feel his presence, influence and 'signs' he sends you. Of course you do. That's the benefit of all the love you shared. I'm sure he is/ would be immensely proud of you (with or without your explanation of how ADHD has shaped you)
yay! Welcome back!