I’ve been to see a lot of doctors in the last 12 years and spoken to many different people about how fraught it is. How many people leave those offices kicking themselves for the rest of the day, wishing they’d asked this question or that follow-up?
It reminds me a lot of the early, timid days of my journalism career, when I learned the hard way that I needed to wring all the understanding out of time-crunched people before they left my field of vision or hung up the phone. People have very effective ways of muddling up this process, and the hard work is in not letting them go when they are making it clear they are done with the conversation.
Because just like your GP, you can’t be sure you are ever going to be able to get them back to ask a follow up question later. There is no feeling quite like knowing you have a story to file – or some hormonal chaos to tame – and you don’t have the information you need to proceed.
There are tons of parallels here, so I’m adding them together with some other gems I’ve picked up at Hotflash inc and rounding them up for you.
This one is from Dr Mary Claire Haver, Texas-based ob-gyn, bestselling author, Doctor Menopause Guru and guest on the Hotflash inc podcast: If it’s a new clinic, when you call, ask the receptionist what doctor really knows about menopause.
When you arrive for your appointment and the receptionist says “take a seat”, don’t. This is your first act of civil disobedience (you have be disobedient a lot as a journalist, and as a midlife woman, let’s be honest; also, when you start thinking about them, a lot of societal rules don’t make sense). This does tend to bother everyone in the waiting room who is mindlessly sitting on their ass and scrolling, but how cares? You are on a mission! And by pacing, you are sending a valuable message of empowerment to your entire self; moving your body, which helps process any in-the-moment jitters, and getting steps in! Then, wherever you go, start noticing the people who pace: they are the power people.
Treat your appointment like an interview: Go in with key questions, written down, that you refer to. You have a purpose. Ask them how much time you have, and remind yourself that you don’t need to rush through that time – you only need to focus on getting what you need out it. And then get to work. Check questions off or cross them out as you go. Ask follow ups as they arise. Follow your curiosity – to the best of your ability and time available – until all your niggles about what is being said are answered. Don’t get bamboozled into another direction. This is your health. This is your life. (If I can do it with a hateful professor of permafrost science, any given number of glad-handing politicians and Hugh Grant, the scariest-celebrity-to-interview ever, you can too). Don’t forget the final, vital last question: “Is there anything else I should be asking?” You get the best stuff from this one. It’s like a value-added free-for-all. (Is there anything else I should be asking? is the title of my yet-to-be-written journalism memoir, by the way. If I’d remembered to ask Janeane Garofalo that question, she would have told me that while she was currently filming a TV movie for an obscure channel, she had just signed on for 24, the hottest show on television – news that broke during our interview – and I wouldn’t have had to spend four frantic hours badgering her publicist for a follow up phone call.)
Ask if you can record the appointment, so it’s straight later in your mind. I did this with a member of my family when we met with specialists, and typed it up later so we could all refer. So much more clear. If the doctor says no – why are they saying no? – take notes on your phone or… just record it anyway. More civil disobedience – sensing a theme here? It’s not like you are using the audio to expose them in a BBC expose.
This one is from Canadian naturopathic doctor Lara Briden’s book hormone repair manual, and it’s so helpful. Do some research on PubMed before you go, and if there is a relevant study, print it out so that you can leave it with the doctor to study before your next visit. This is how I got my HRT-averse ob-gyn to talk to her colleagues about testosterone (which I’ve still not got around to going back to her about). This also works well when you are after HRT: learn about the different kinds (bioidentical commercially produced patches and gels, progesterone versus progestin, etc) so you can be specific in your discussion.
If you are feeling vulnerable, do you need to be weighed today? Really? In the past as I struggled with gut issues and weight fluctuations this part, for me, was really demoralizing. For awhile there, when things were really rough, I said no a couple of times. Life went on. (There’s that civil disobedience again…)
Sit up straight in your chair. This is no time for slumping. And by the way, do this everywhere else in your life, too. It’s a game-changer. Watch Amy Cuddy’s 2012 Ted Talk: Your body language may change who you are for more.
Don’t fill the silence when you ask a question: ask and then will yourself to wait for them to start talking. We love to hear ourselves talk, and talking is soothing, especially when we are nervous. But it is a killer on the information-obtaining front. You won’t believe what people will say in the face of silence.
This is from Dubai-based Daryl Grigaravicius, who struggled with Chrohn’s for years before she started healing and founded Stride UAE, a new non-profit for people with autoimmune conditions. If your doctor won’t request a test or prescribe what you are seeking, ask them to make a note in the file that they refused. No one likes a paper trail.
One final thing: Keep plugging away. You are the most important person in this, and midlife is presenting you with the opportunity to take back all that power you’ve been giving away. It’s the ultimate heroine’s journey, and the work involves learning how to take personal, radical responsibility for yourself.
The destination is reclamation.
With a little civil disobedience on the side ;)
Editor’s note
I’ve started writing my book, and this is one of the key pieces. I am going to be sending the drafts of sections to my paid list, but I think this part is so vital that I wanted everyone to have it.
Thank you for this excellent advice, Ann Marie!! I'm excited for your memoir. :)